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King Henry IV, Part I

ACT II SCENE I Rochester. An inn yard.
[Enter a Carrier with a lantern in his hand]
First Carrier Heigh-ho! an it be not four by the day, I’ll be
hanged: Charles’ wain is over the new chimney, and
yet our horse not packed. What, ostler!
Ostler [Within] Anon, anon.
First Carrier I prithee, Tom, beat Cut’s saddle, put a few flocks 5
in the point; poor jade, is wrung in the withers out
of all cess.
[Enter another Carrier]
Second Carrier Peas and beans are as dank here as a dog, and that
is the next way to give poor jades the bots: this
house is turned upside down since Robin Ostler died. 10
First Carrier Poor fellow, never joyed since the price of oats
rose; it was the death of him.
Second Carrier I think this be the most villanous house in all
London road for fleas: I am stung like a tench.
First Carrier Like a tench! by the mass, there is ne’er a king 15
christen could be better bit than I have been since
the first cock.
Second Carrier Why, they will allow us ne’er a jordan, and then we
leak in your chimney; and your chamber-lie breeds
fleas like a loach. 20
First Carrier What, ostler! come away and be hanged!
Second Carrier I have a gammon of bacon and two razors of ginger,
to be delivered as far as Charing-cross.
First Carrier God’s body! the turkeys in my pannier are quite
starved. What, ostler! A plague on thee! hast thou 25
never an eye in thy head? canst not hear? An
’twere not as good deed as drink, to break the pate
on thee, I am a very villain. Come, and be hanged!
hast thou no faith in thee?
GADSHILL Good morrow, carriers. What’s o’clock? 30
First Carrier I think it be two o’clock.
GADSHILL I pray thee lend me thy lantern, to see my gelding
in the stable.
First Carrier Nay, by God, soft; I know a trick worth two of that, i’ faith.
GADSHILL I pray thee, lend me thine. 35
Second Carrier Ay, when? can’st tell? Lend me thy lantern, quoth
a? marry, I’ll see thee hanged first.
GADSHILL Sirrah carrier, what time do you mean to come to London?
Second Carrier Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I warrant
thee. Come, neighbour Mugs, we’ll call up the 40
gentleman: they will along with company, for they
have great charge.
[Exeunt carriers]
GADSHILL What, ho! chamberlain!
Chamberlain [Within] At hand, quoth pick-purse.
GADSHILL That’s even as fair as–at hand, quoth the 45
chamberlain; for thou variest no more from picking
of purses than giving direction doth from labouring;
thou layest the plot how.
[Enter Chamberlain]
Chamberlain Good morrow, Master Gadshill. It holds current that
I told you yesternight: there’s a franklin in the 50
wild of Kent hath brought three hundred marks with
him in gold: I heard him tell it to one of his
company last night at supper; a kind of auditor; one
that hath abundance of charge too, God knows what.
They are up already, and call for eggs and butter; 55
they will away presently.
GADSHILL Sirrah, if they meet not with Saint Nicholas’
clerks, I’ll give thee this neck.
Chamberlain No, I’ll none of it: I pray thee keep that for the
hangman; for I know thou worshippest St. Nicholas 60
as truly as a man of falsehood may.
GADSHILL What talkest thou to me of the hangman? if I hang,
I’ll make a fat pair of gallows; for if I hang, old
Sir John hangs with me, and thou knowest he is no
starveling. Tut! there are other Trojans that thou 65
dreamest not of, the which for sport sake are
content to do the profession some grace; that would,
if matters should be looked into, for their own
credit sake, make all whole. I am joined with no
foot-land rakers, no long-staff sixpenny strikers, 70
none of these mad mustachio purple-hued malt-worms;
but with nobility and tranquillity, burgomasters and
great oneyers, such as can hold in, such as will
strike sooner than speak, and speak sooner than
drink, and drink sooner than pray: and yet, zounds, 75
I lie; for they pray continually to their saint, the
commonwealth; or rather, not pray to her, but prey
on her, for they ride up and down on her and make
her their boots.
Chamberlain What, the commonwealth their boots? will she hold 80
out water in foul way?
GADSHILL She will, she will; justice hath liquored her. We
steal as in a castle, cocksure; we have the receipt
of fern-seed, we walk invisible.
Chamberlain Nay, by my faith, I think you are more beholding to 85
the night than to fern-seed for your walking invisible.
GADSHILL Give me thy hand: thou shalt have a share in our
purchase, as I am a true man.
Chamberlain Nay, rather let me have it, as you are a false thief.
GADSHILL Go to; ‘homo’ is a common name to all men. Bid the 90
ostler bring my gelding out of the stable. Farewell,
you muddy knave.

Continue to Henry IV, Part I, Act 2, Scene 2