ACT IV SCENE III

All’s Well That Ends Well

ACT IV SCENE III	The Florentine camp.
[Enter the two French Lords and some two or three Soldiers]
First Lord	You have not given him his mother’s letter?
Second Lord	I have delivered it an hour since: there is
	something in’t that stings his nature; for on the
	reading it he changed almost into another man.
First Lord	He has much worthy blame laid upon him for shaking	5
	off so good a wife and so sweet a lady.
Second Lord	Especially he hath incurred the everlasting
	displeasure of the king, who had even tuned his
	bounty to sing happiness to him. I will tell you a
	thing, but you shall let it dwell darkly with you.	10
First Lord	When you have spoken it, ’tis dead, and I am the
	grave of it.
Second Lord	He hath perverted a young gentlewoman here in
	Florence, of a most chaste renown; and this night he
	fleshes his will in the spoil of her honour: he hath	15
	given her his monumental ring, and thinks himself
	made in the unchaste composition.
First Lord	Now, God delay our rebellion! as we are ourselves,
	what things are we!
Second Lord	Merely our own traitors. And as in the common course	20
	of all treasons, we still see them reveal
	themselves, till they attain to their abhorred ends,
	so he that in this action contrives against his own
	nobility, in his proper stream o’erflows himself.
First Lord	Is it not meant damnable in us, to be trumpeters of	25
	our unlawful intents? We shall not then have his
	company to-night?
Second Lord	Not till after midnight; for he is dieted to his hour.
First Lord	That approaches apace; I would gladly have him see
	his company anatomized, that he might take a measure	30
	of his own judgments, wherein so curiously he had
	set this counterfeit.
Second Lord	We will not meddle with him till he come; for his
	presence must be the whip of the other.
First Lord	In the mean time, what hear you of these wars?	35
Second Lord	I hear there is an overture of peace.
First Lord	Nay, I assure you, a peace concluded.
Second Lord	What will Count Rousillon do then? will he travel
	higher, or return again into France?
First Lord	I perceive, by this demand, you are not altogether	40
	of his council.
Second Lord	Let it be forbid, sir; so should I be a great deal
	of his act.
First Lord	Sir, his wife some two months since fled from his
	house: her pretence is a pilgrimage to Saint Jaques	45
	le Grand; which holy undertaking with most austere
	sanctimony she accomplished; and, there residing the
	tenderness of her nature became as a prey to her
	grief; in fine, made a groan of her last breath, and
	now she sings in heaven.	50
Second Lord	How is this justified?
First Lord	The stronger part of it by her own letters, which
	makes her story true, even to the point of her
	death: her death itself, which could not be her
	office to say is come, was faithfully confirmed by	55
	the rector of the place.
Second Lord	Hath the count all this intelligence?
First Lord	Ay, and the particular confirmations, point from
	point, so to the full arming of the verity.
Second Lord	I am heartily sorry that he’ll be glad of this.	60
First Lord	How mightily sometimes we make us comforts of our losses!
Second Lord	And how mightily some other times we drown our gain
	in tears! The great dignity that his valour hath
	here acquired for him shall at home be encountered
	with a shame as ample.	65
First Lord	The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and
	ill together: our virtues would be proud, if our
	faults whipped them not; and our crimes would
	despair, if they were not cherished by our virtues.
[Enter a Messenger]
	How now! where’s your master?	70
Servant	He met the duke in the street, sir, of whom he hath
	taken a solemn leave: his lordship will next
	morning for France. The duke hath offered him
	letters of commendations to the king.
Second Lord	They shall be no more than needful there, if they	75
	were more than they can commend.
First Lord	They cannot be too sweet for the king’s tartness.
	Here’s his lordship now.
[Enter BERTRAM]
	How now, my lord! is’t not after midnight?
BERTRAM	I have to-night dispatched sixteen businesses, a	80
	month’s length a-piece, by an abstract of success:
	I have congied with the duke, done my adieu with his
	nearest; buried a wife, mourned for her; writ to my
	lady mother I am returning; entertained my convoy;
	and between these main parcels of dispatch effected	85
	many nicer needs; the last was the greatest, but
	that I have not ended yet.
Second Lord	If the business be of any difficulty, and this
	morning your departure hence, it requires haste of
	your lordship.	90
BERTRAM	I mean, the business is not ended, as fearing to
	hear of it hereafter. But shall we have this
	dialogue between the fool and the soldier? Come,
	bring forth this counterfeit module, he has deceived
	me, like a double-meaning prophesier.	95
Second Lord	Bring him forth: has sat i’ the stocks all night,
	poor gallant knave.
BERTRAM	No matter: his heels have deserved it, in usurping
	his spurs so long. How does he carry himself?
Second Lord	I have told your lordship already, the stocks carry	100
	him. But to answer you as you would be understood;
	he weeps like a wench that had shed her milk: he
	hath confessed himself to Morgan, whom he supposes
	to be a friar, from the time of his remembrance to
	this very instant disaster of his setting i’ the	105
	stocks: and what think you he hath confessed?
BERTRAM	Nothing of me, has a’?
Second Lord	His confession is taken, and it shall be read to his
	face: if your lordship be in’t, as I believe you
	are, you must have the patience to hear it.	110
[Enter PAROLLES guarded, and First Soldier]
BERTRAM	A plague upon him! muffled! he can say nothing of
	me: hush, hush!
First Lord	Hoodman comes! Portotartarosa
First Soldier	He calls for the tortures: what will you say
	without ’em?	115
PAROLLES	I will confess what I know without constraint: if
	ye pinch me like a pasty, I can say no more.
First Soldier	Bosko chimurcho.
First Lord	Boblibindo chicurmurco.
First Soldier	You are a merciful general. Our general bids you	120
	answer to what I shall ask you out of a note.
PAROLLES	And truly, as I hope to live.
First Soldier	[Reads] ‘First demand of him how many horse the
	duke is strong.’ What say you to that?
PAROLLES	Five or six thousand; but very weak and	125
	unserviceable: the troops are all scattered, and
	the commanders very poor rogues, upon my reputation
	and credit and as I hope to live.
First Soldier	Shall I set down your answer so?
PAROLLES	Do: I’ll take the sacrament on’t, how and which way you will.	130
BERTRAM	All’s one to him. What a past-saving slave is this!
First Lord	You’re deceived, my lord: this is Monsieur
	Parolles, the gallant militarist,–that was his own
	phrase,–that had the whole theoric of war in the
	knot of his scarf, and the practise in the chape of	135
	his dagger.
Second Lord	I will never trust a man again for keeping his sword
	clean. nor believe he can have every thing in him
	by wearing his apparel neatly.
First Soldier	Well, that’s set down.	140
PAROLLES	Five or six thousand horse, I said,– I will say
	true,–or thereabouts, set down, for I’ll speak truth.
First Lord	He’s very near the truth in this.
BERTRAM	But I con him no thanks for’t, in the nature he
	delivers it.	145
PAROLLES	Poor rogues, I pray you, say.
First Soldier	Well, that’s set down.
PAROLLES	I humbly thank you, sir: a truth’s a truth, the
	rogues are marvellous poor.
First Soldier	[Reads] ‘Demand of him, of what strength they are	150
	a-foot.’ What say you to that?
PAROLLES	By my troth, sir, if I were to live this present
	hour, I will tell true. Let me see: Spurio, a
	hundred and fifty; Sebastian, so many; Corambus, so
	many; Jaques, so many; Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick,	155
	and Gratii, two hundred and fifty each; mine own
	company, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two hundred and
	fifty each: so that the muster-file, rotten and
	sound, upon my life, amounts not to fifteen thousand
	poll; half of the which dare not shake snow from off	160
	their cassocks, lest they shake themselves to pieces.
BERTRAM	What shall be done to him?
First Lord	Nothing, but let him have thanks. Demand of him my
	condition, and what credit I have with the duke.
First Soldier	Well, that’s set down.	165
[Reads]
	‘You shall demand of him, whether one Captain Dumain
	be i’ the camp, a Frenchman; what his reputation is
	with the duke; what his valour, honesty, and
	expertness in wars; or whether he thinks it were not
	possible, with well-weighing sums of gold, to	170
	corrupt him to revolt.’ What say you to this? what
	do you know of it?
PAROLLES	I beseech you, let me answer to the particular of
	the inter’gatories: demand them singly.
First Soldier	Do you know this Captain Dumain?	175
PAROLLES	I know him: a’ was a botcher’s ‘prentice in Paris,
	from whence he was whipped for getting the shrieve’s
	fool with child,–a dumb innocent, that could not
	say him nay.
BERTRAM	Nay, by your leave, hold your hands; though I know	180
	his brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls.
First Soldier	Well, is this captain in the duke of Florence’s camp?
PAROLLES	Upon my knowledge, he is, and lousy.
First Lord	Nay look not so upon me; we shall hear of your
	lordship anon.	185
First Soldier	What is his reputation with the duke?
PAROLLES	The duke knows him for no other but a poor officer
	of mine; and writ to me this other day to turn him
	out o’ the band: I think I have his letter in my pocket.
First Soldier	Marry, we’ll search.	190
PAROLLES	In good sadness, I do not know; either it is there,
	or it is upon a file with the duke’s other letters
	in my tent.
First Soldier	Here ’tis; here’s a paper: shall I read it to you?
PAROLLES	I do not know if it be it or no.	195
BERTRAM	Our interpreter does it well.
First Lord	Excellently.
First Soldier	[Reads] ‘Dian, the count’s a fool, and full of gold,’–
PAROLLES	That is not the duke’s letter, sir; that is an
	advertisement to a proper maid in Florence, one	200
	Diana, to take heed of the allurement of one Count
	Rousillon, a foolish idle boy, but for all that very
	ruttish: I pray you, sir, put it up again.
First Soldier	Nay, I’ll read it first, by your favour.
PAROLLES	My meaning in’t, I protest, was very honest in the	205
	behalf of the maid; for I knew the young count to be
	a dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to
	virginity and devours up all the fry it finds.
BERTRAM	Damnable both-sides rogue!
First Soldier	[Reads] ‘When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and take it;	210
	After he scores, he never pays the score:
	Half won is match well made; match, and well make it;
	He ne’er pays after-debts, take it before;
	And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this,
	Men are to mell with, boys are not to kiss:	215
	For count of this, the count’s a fool, I know it,
	Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.
	Thine, as he vowed to thee in thine ear,
	PAROLLES.’
BERTRAM	He shall be whipped through the army with this rhyme	220
	in’s forehead.
Second Lord	This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold
	linguist and the armipotent soldier.
BERTRAM	I could endure any thing before but a cat, and now
	he’s a cat to me.	225
First Soldier	I perceive, sir, by the general’s looks, we shall be
	fain to hang you.
PAROLLES	My life, sir, in any case: not that I am afraid to
	die; but that, my offences being many, I would
	repent out the remainder of nature: let me live,	230
	sir, in a dungeon, i’ the stocks, or any where, so I may live.
First Soldier	We’ll see what may be done, so you confess freely;
	therefore, once more to this Captain Dumain: you
	have answered to his reputation with the duke and to
	his valour: what is his honesty?	235
PAROLLES	He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister: for
	rapes and ravishments he parallels Nessus: he
	professes not keeping of oaths; in breaking ’em he
	is stronger than Hercules: he will lie, sir, with
	such volubility, that you would think truth were a	240
	fool: drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will
	be swine-drunk; and in his sleep he does little
	harm, save to his bed-clothes about him; but they
	know his conditions and lay him in straw. I have but
	little more to say, sir, of his honesty: he has	245
	every thing that an honest man should not have; what
	an honest man should have, he has nothing.
First Lord	I begin to love him for this.
BERTRAM	For this description of thine honesty? A pox upon
	him for me, he’s more and more a cat.	250
First Soldier	What say you to his expertness in war?
PAROLLES	Faith, sir, he has led the drum before the English
	tragedians; to belie him, I will not, and more of
	his soldiership I know not; except, in that country
	he had the honour to be the officer at a place there	255
	called Mile-end, to instruct for the doubling of
	files: I would do the man what honour I can, but of
	this I am not certain.
First Lord	He hath out-villained villany so far, that the
	rarity redeems him.	260
BERTRAM	A pox on him, he’s a cat still.
First Soldier	His qualities being at this poor price, I need not
	to ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.
PAROLLES	Sir, for a quart d’ecu he will sell the fee-simple
	of his salvation, the inheritance of it; and cut the	265
	entail from all remainders, and a perpetual
	succession for it perpetually.
First Soldier	What’s his brother, the other Captain Dumain?
Second Lord	Why does be ask him of me?
First Soldier	What’s he?	270
PAROLLES	E’en a crow o’ the same nest; not altogether so
	great as the first in goodness, but greater a great
	deal in evil: he excels his brother for a coward,
	yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is:
	in a retreat he outruns any lackey; marry, in coming	275
	on he has the cramp.
First Soldier	If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray
	the Florentine?
PAROLLES	Ay, and the captain of his horse, Count Rousillon.
First Soldier	I’ll whisper with the general, and know his pleasure.	280
PAROLLES	[Aside] I’ll no more drumming; a plague of all
	drums! Only to seem to deserve well, and to
	beguile the supposition of that lascivious young boy
	the count, have I run into this danger. Yet who
	would have suspected an ambush where I was taken?	285
First Soldier	There is no remedy, sir, but you must die: the
	general says, you that have so traitorously
	discovered the secrets of your army and made such
	pestiferous reports of men very nobly held, can
	serve the world for no honest use; therefore you	290
	must die. Come, headsman, off with his head.
PAROLLES	O Lord, sir, let me live, or let me see my death!
First Lord	That shall you, and take your leave of all your friends.
[Unblinding him]
	So, look about you: know you any here?
BERTRAM	Good morrow, noble captain.	295
Second Lord	God bless you, Captain Parolles.
First Lord	God save you, noble captain.
Second Lord	Captain, what greeting will you to my Lord Lafeu?
	I am for France.
First Lord	Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet	300
	you writ to Diana in behalf of the Count Rousillon?
	an I were not a very coward, I’ld compel it of you:
	but fare you well.
[Exeunt BERTRAM and Lords]
First Soldier	You are undone, captain, all but your scarf; that
	has a knot on’t yet	305
PAROLLES	Who cannot be crushed with a plot?
First Soldier	If you could find out a country where but women were
	that had received so much shame, you might begin an
	impudent nation. Fare ye well, sir; I am for France
	too: we shall speak of you there.	310
[Exit with Soldiers]
PAROLLES	Yet am I thankful: if my heart were great,
	‘Twould burst at this. Captain I’ll be no more;
	But I will eat and drink, and sleep as soft
	As captain shall: simply the thing I am
	Shall make me live. Who knows himself a braggart,	315
	Let him fear this, for it will come to pass
	that every braggart shall be found an ass.
	Rust, sword? cool, blushes! and, Parolles, live
	Safest in shame! being fool’d, by foolery thrive!
	There’s place and means for every man alive.	320
	I’ll after them.
[Exit]

Next: All’s Well That Ends Well, Act 4, Scene 4