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Twelfth Night

ACT V SCENE IBefore OLIVIA’s house.
Enter Clown and FABIAN
FABIANNow, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.
ClownGood Master Fabian, grant me another request.
FABIANAny thing.
ClownDo not desire to see this letter. 5
FABIANThis is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire my
dog again.
Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords
DUKE ORSINOBelong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
ClownAy, sir; we are some of her trappings.
DUKE ORSINOI know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow? 10
ClownTruly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse
for my friends.
DUKE ORSINOJust the contrary; the better for thy friends.
ClownNo, sir, the worse.
DUKE ORSINOHow can that be? 15
ClownMarry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;
now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by
my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself,
and by my friends, I am abused: so that,
conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives 20
make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for
my friends and the better for my foes.
DUKE ORSINOWhy, this is excellent.
ClownBy my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be
one of my friends. 25
DUKE ORSINOThou shalt not be the worse for me: there’s gold.
ClownBut that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would
you could make it another.
DUKE ORSINOO, you give me ill counsel.
ClownPut your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, 30
and let your flesh and blood obey it.
DUKE ORSINOWell, I will be so much a sinner, to be a
double-dealer: there’s another.
ClownPrimo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old
saying is, the third pays for all: the triplex, 35
sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of
Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.
DUKE ORSINOYou can fool no more money out of me at this throw:
if you will let your lady know I am here to speak
with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake 40
my bounty further.
ClownMarry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come
again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think
that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness:
but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I 45
will awake it anon.
Exit
VIOLAHere comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.
Enter ANTONIO and Officers
DUKE ORSINOThat face of his I do remember well;
Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmear’d
As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war: 50
A bawbling vessel was he captain of,
For shallow draught and bulk unprizable;
With which such scathful grapple did he make
With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
That very envy and the tongue of loss 55
Cried fame and honour on him. What’s the matter?
First OfficerOrsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy;
And this is he that did the Tiger board,
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg: 60
Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
In private brabble did we apprehend him.
VIOLAHe did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:
I know not what ’twas but distraction. 65
DUKE ORSINONotable pirate! thou salt-water thief!
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
Hast made thine enemies?
ANTONIOOrsino, noble sir, 70
Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:
Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
Though I confess, on base and ground enough,
Orsino’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
That most ingrateful boy there by your side, 75
From the rude sea’s enraged and foamy mouth
Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:
His life I gave him and did thereto add
My love, without retention or restraint,
All his in dedication; for his sake 80
Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
Into the danger of this adverse town;
Drew to defend him when he was beset:
Where being apprehended, his false cunning,
Not meaning to partake with me in danger, 85
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
And grew a twenty years removed thing
While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
Which I had recommended to his use
Not half an hour before. 90
VIOLAHow can this be?
DUKE ORSINOWhen came he to this town?
ANTONIOTo-day, my lord; and for three months before,
No interim, not a minute’s vacancy,
Both day and night did we keep company. 95
Enter OLIVIA and Attendants
DUKE ORSINOHere comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.
But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness:
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
But more of that anon. Take him aside.
OLIVIAWhat would my lord, but that he may not have, 100
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.
VIOLAMadam!
DUKE ORSINOGracious Olivia,–
OLIVIAWhat do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,– 105
VIOLAMy lord would speak; my duty hushes me.
OLIVIAIf it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
As howling after music.
DUKE ORSINOStill so cruel? 110
OLIVIAStill so constant, lord.
DUKE ORSINOWhat, to perverseness? you uncivil lady,
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
My soul the faithfull’st offerings hath breathed out
That e’er devotion tender’d! What shall I do? 115
OLIVIAEven what it please my lord, that shall become him.
DUKE ORSINOWhy should I not, had I the heart to do it,
Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,
Kill what I love?–a savage jealousy
That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this: 120
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that I partly know the instrument
That screws me from my true place in your favour,
Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still;
But this your minion, whom I know you love, 125
And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,
Where he sits crowned in his master’s spite.
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love, 130
To spite a raven’s heart within a dove.
VIOLAAnd I, most jocund, apt and willingly,
To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.
OLIVIAWhere goes Cesario?
VIOLAAfter him I love 135
More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
More, by all mores, than e’er I shall love wife.
If I do feign, you witnesses above
Punish my life for tainting of my love!
OLIVIAAy me, detested! how am I beguiled! 140
VIOLAWho does beguile you? who does do you wrong?
OLIVIAHast thou forgot thyself? is it so long?
Call forth the holy father.
DUKE ORSINOCome, away!
OLIVIAWhither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay. 145
DUKE ORSINOHusband!
OLIVIAAy, husband: can he that deny?
DUKE ORSINOHer husband, sirrah!
VIOLANo, my lord, not I.
OLIVIAAlas, it is the baseness of thy fear 150
That makes thee strangle thy propriety:
Fear not, Cesario; take thy fortunes up;
Be that thou know’st thou art, and then thou art
As great as that thou fear’st.
Enter Priest
O, welcome, father! 155
Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence,
Here to unfold, though lately we intended
To keep in darkness what occasion now
Reveals before ’tis ripe, what thou dost know
Hath newly pass’d between this youth and me. 160
PriestA contract of eternal bond of love,
Confirm’d by mutual joinder of your hands,
Attested by the holy close of lips,
Strengthen’d by interchangement of your rings;
And all the ceremony of this compact 165
Seal’d in my function, by my testimony:
Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave
I have travell’d but two hours.
DUKE ORSINOO thou dissembling cub! what wilt thou be
When time hath sow’d a grizzle on thy case? 170
Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow,
That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
VIOLAMy lord, I do protest– 175
OLIVIAO, do not swear!
Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.
Enter SIR ANDREW
SIR ANDREWFor the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently
to Sir Toby.
OLIVIAWhat’s the matter? 180
SIR ANDREWHe has broke my head across and has given Sir Toby
a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your
help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.
OLIVIAWho has done this, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREWThe count’s gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for 185
a coward, but he’s the very devil incardinate.
DUKE ORSINOMy gentleman, Cesario?
SIR ANDREW‘Od’s lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for
nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do’t
by Sir Toby. 190
VIOLAWhy do you speak to me? I never hurt you:
You drew your sword upon me without cause;
But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.
SIR ANDREWIf a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me: I
think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. 195
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and Clown
Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more:
but if he had not been in drink, he would have
tickled you othergates than he did.
DUKE ORSINOHow now, gentleman! how is’t with you?
SIR TOBY BELCHThat’s all one: has hurt me, and there’s the end 200
on’t. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?
ClownO, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes
were set at eight i’ the morning.
SIR TOBY BELCHThen he’s a rogue, and a passy measures panyn: I
hate a drunken rogue. 205
OLIVIAAway with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?
SIR ANDREWI’ll help you, Sir Toby, because well be dressed together.
SIR TOBY BELCHWill you help? an ass-head and a coxcomb and a
knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!
OLIVIAGet him to bed, and let his hurt be look’d to. 210
Exeunt Clown, FABIAN, SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW
Enter SEBASTIAN
SEBASTIANI am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman:
But, had it been the brother of my blood,
I must have done no less with wit and safety.
You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
I do perceive it hath offended you: 215
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows
We made each other but so late ago.
DUKE ORSINOOne face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,
A natural perspective, that is and is not!
SEBASTIANAntonio, O my dear Antonio! 220
How have the hours rack’d and tortured me,
Since I have lost thee!
ANTONIOSebastian are you?
SEBASTIANFear’st thou that, Antonio?
ANTONIOHow have you made division of yourself? 225
An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin
Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?
OLIVIAMost wonderful!
SEBASTIANDo I stand there? I never had a brother;
Nor can there be that deity in my nature, 230
Of here and every where. I had a sister,
Whom the blind waves and surges have devour’d.
Of charity, what kin are you to me?
What countryman? what name? what parentage?
VIOLAOf Messaline: Sebastian was my father; 235
Such a Sebastian was my brother too,
So went he suited to his watery tomb:
If spirits can assume both form and suit
You come to fright us.
SEBASTIANA spirit I am indeed; 240
But am in that dimension grossly clad
Which from the womb I did participate.
Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
And say ‘Thrice-welcome, drowned Viola!’ 245
VIOLAMy father had a mole upon his brow.
SEBASTIANAnd so had mine.
VIOLAAnd died that day when Viola from her birth
Had number’d thirteen years.
SEBASTIANO, that record is lively in my soul! 250
He finished indeed his mortal act
That day that made my sister thirteen years.
VIOLAIf nothing lets to make us happy both
But this my masculine usurp’d attire,
Do not embrace me till each circumstance 255
Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump
That I am Viola: which to confirm,
I’ll bring you to a captain in this town,
Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help
I was preserved to serve this noble count. 260
All the occurrence of my fortune since
Hath been between this lady and this lord.
SEBASTIANTo OLIVIA
But nature to her bias drew in that.
You would have been contracted to a maid;
Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived, 265
You are betroth’d both to a maid and man.
DUKE ORSINOBe not amazed; right noble is his blood.
If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,
I shall have share in this most happy wreck.
To VIOLA
Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times 270
Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.
VIOLAAnd all those sayings will I overswear;
And those swearings keep as true in soul
As doth that orbed continent the fire
That severs day from night. 275
DUKE ORSINOGive me thy hand;
And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds.
VIOLAThe captain that did bring me first on shore
Hath my maid’s garments: he upon some action
Is now in durance, at Malvolio’s suit, 280
A gentleman, and follower of my lady’s.
OLIVIAHe shall enlarge him: fetch Malvolio hither:
And yet, alas, now I remember me,
They say, poor gentleman, he’s much distract.
Re-enter Clown with a letter, and FABIAN
A most extracting frenzy of mine own 285
From my remembrance clearly banish’d his.
How does he, sirrah?
ClownTruly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the staves’s end as
well as a man in his case may do: has here writ a
letter to you; I should have given’t you to-day 290
morning, but as a madman’s epistles are no gospels,
so it skills not much when they are delivered.
OLIVIAOpen’t, and read it.
ClownLook then to be well edified when the fool delivers
the madman. 295
Reads
‘By the Lord, madam,’–
OLIVIAHow now! art thou mad?
ClownNo, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship
will have it as it ought to be, you must allow Vox.
OLIVIAPrithee, read i’ thy right wits. 300
ClownSo I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to
read thus: therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.
OLIVIARead it you, sirrah.
To FABIAN
FABIANReads
world shall know it: though you have put me into
darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over 305
me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as
your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced
me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt
not but to do myself much right, or you much shame.
Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little 310
unthought of and speak out of my injury.
THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.’
OLIVIADid he write this?
ClownAy, madam.
DUKE ORSINOThis savours not much of distraction. 315
OLIVIASee him deliver’d, Fabian; bring him hither.
Exit FABIAN
My lord so please you, these things further
thought on,
To think me as well a sister as a wife,
One day shall crown the alliance on’t, so please you, 320
Here at my house and at my proper cost.
DUKE ORSINOMadam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.
To VIOLA
Your master quits you; and for your service done him,
So much against the mettle of your sex,
So far beneath your soft and tender breeding, 325
And since you call’d me master for so long,
Here is my hand: you shall from this time be
Your master’s mistress.
OLIVIAA sister! you are she.
Re-enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO
DUKE ORSINOIs this the madman? 330
OLIVIAAy, my lord, this same.
How now, Malvolio!
MALVOLIOMadam, you have done me wrong,
Notorious wrong.
OLIVIAHave I, Malvolio? no. 335
MALVOLIOLady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter.
You must not now deny it is your hand:
Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase;
Or say ’tis not your seal, nor your invention:
You can say none of this: well, grant it then 340
And tell me, in the modesty of honour,
Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,
Bade me come smiling and cross-garter’d to you,
To put on yellow stockings and to frown
Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people; 345
And, acting this in an obedient hope,
Why have you suffer’d me to be imprison’d,
Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,
And made the most notorious geck and gull
That e’er invention play’d on? tell me why. 350
OLIVIAAlas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,
Though, I confess, much like the character
But out of question ’tis Maria’s hand.
And now I do bethink me, it was she
First told me thou wast mad; then camest in smiling, 355
And in such forms which here were presupposed
Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content:
This practise hath most shrewdly pass’d upon thee;
But when we know the grounds and authors of it,
Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge 360
Of thine own cause.
FABIANGood madam, hear me speak,
And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come
Taint the condition of this present hour,
Which I have wonder’d at. In hope it shall not, 365
Most freely I confess, myself and Toby
Set this device against Malvolio here,
Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
We had conceived against him: Maria writ
The letter at Sir Toby’s great importance; 370
In recompense whereof he hath married her.
How with a sportful malice it was follow’d,
May rather pluck on laughter than revenge;
If that the injuries be justly weigh’d
That have on both sides pass’d. 375
OLIVIAAlas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!
ClownWhy, ‘some are born great, some achieve greatness,
and some have greatness thrown upon them.’ I was
one, sir, in this interlude; one Sir Topas, sir; but
that’s all one. ‘By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.’ 380
But do you remember? ‘Madam, why laugh you at such
a barren rascal? an you smile not, he’s gagged:’
and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.
MALVOLIOI’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you.
Exit
OLIVIAHe hath been most notoriously abused. 385
DUKE ORSINOPursue him and entreat him to a peace:
He hath not told us of the captain yet:
When that is known and golden time convents,
A solemn combination shall be made
Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister, 390
We will not part from hence. Cesario, come;
For so you shall be, while you are a man;
But when in other habits you are seen,
Orsino’s mistress and his fancy’s queen.
Exeunt all, except Clown
ClownSings
When that I was and a little tiny boy, 395
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was but a toy,
For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came to man’s estate,
With hey, ho, &c. 400
‘Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
For the rain, &c.
But when I came, alas! to wive,
With hey, ho, &c.
By swaggering could I never thrive, 405
For the rain, &c.
But when I came unto my beds,
With hey, ho, &c.
With toss-pots still had drunken heads,
For the rain, &c. 410
A great while ago the world begun,
With hey, ho, &c.
But that’s all one, our play is done,
And we’ll strive to please you every day.
Exit
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