ACT II SCENE I

Troilus and Cressida

ACT II SCENE I	A part of the Grecian camp.
[Enter AJAX and THERSITES]
AJAX	Thersites!
THERSITES	Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over,
	generally?
AJAX	Thersites!
THERSITES	And those boils did run? say so: did not the	5
	general run then? were not that a botchy core?
AJAX	Dog!
THERSITES	Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
AJAX	Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear?
[Beating him]
	Feel, then.	10
THERSITES	The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel
	beef-witted lord!
AJAX	Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will
	beat thee into handsomeness.
THERSITES	I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but,	15
	I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than
	thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike,
	canst thou? a red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks!
AJAX	Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
THERSITES	Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?	20
AJAX	The proclamation!
THERSITES	Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
AJAX	Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.
THERSITES	I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had
	the scratching of thee; I would make thee the	25
	loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in
	the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.
AJAX	I say, the proclamation!
THERSITES	Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles,
	and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as	30
	Cerberus is at Proserpine’s beauty, ay, that thou
	barkest at him.
AJAX	Mistress Thersites!
THERSITES	Thou shouldest strike him.
AJAX	Cobloaf!	35
THERSITES	He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a
	sailor breaks a biscuit.
AJAX	[Beating him] You whoreson cur!
THERSITES	Do, do.
AJAX	Thou stool for a witch!	40
THERSITES	Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no
	more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego
	may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art
	here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and
	sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave.	45
	If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and
	tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no
	bowels, thou!
AJAX	You dog!
THERSITES	You scurvy lord!	50
AJAX	[Beating him] You cur!
THERSITES	Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
[Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]
ACHILLES	Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now,
	Thersites! what’s the matter, man?
THERSITES	You see him there, do you?	55
ACHILLES	Ay; what’s the matter?
THERSITES	Nay, look upon him.
ACHILLES	So I do: what’s the matter?
THERSITES	Nay, but regard him well.
ACHILLES	‘Well!’ why, I do so.	60
THERSITES	But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you
	take him to be, he is Ajax.
ACHILLES	I know that, fool.
THERSITES	Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
AJAX	Therefore I beat thee.	65
THERSITES	Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his
	evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his
	brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy
	nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not
	worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord,	70
	Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and
	his guts in his head, I’ll tell you what I say of
	him.
ACHILLES	What?
THERSITES	I say, this Ajax–	75
[Ajax offers to beat him]
ACHILLES	Nay, good Ajax.
THERSITES	Has not so much wit–
ACHILLES	Nay, I must hold you.
THERSITES	As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he
	comes to fight.	80
ACHILLES	Peace, fool!
THERSITES	I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will
	not: he there: that he: look you there.
AJAX	O thou damned cur! I shall–
ACHILLES	Will you set your wit to a fool’s?	85
THERSITES	No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.
PATROCLUS	Good words, Thersites.
ACHILLES	What’s the quarrel?
AJAX	I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the
	proclamation, and he rails upon me.	90
THERSITES	I serve thee not.
AJAX	Well, go to, go to.
THERSITES	I serve here voluntarily.
ACHILLES	Your last service was sufferance, ’twas not
	voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was	95
	here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
THERSITES	E’en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your
	sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great
	catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a’
	were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.	100
ACHILLES	What, with me too, Thersites?
THERSITES	There’s Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy
	ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you
	like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars.
ACHILLES	What, what?	105
THERSITES	Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!
AJAX	I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES	‘Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou
	afterwards.
PATROCLUS	No more words, Thersites; peace!	110
THERSITES	I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I?
ACHILLES	There’s for you, Patroclus.
THERSITES	I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come
	any more to your tents: I will keep where there is
	wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.	115
[Exit]
PATROCLUS	A good riddance.
ACHILLES	Marry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host:
	That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
	Will with a trumpet ‘twixt our tents and Troy
	To-morrow morning call some knight to arms	120
	That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare
	Maintain–I know not what: ’tis trash. Farewell.
AJAX	Farewell. Who shall answer him?
ACHILLES	I know not: ’tis put to lottery; otherwise
	He knew his man.	125
AJAX	O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.
[Exeunt]

Troilus and Cressida, Act 2, Scene 2