Troilus and Cressida
ACT II SCENE I | A part of the Grecian camp. | |
[Enter AJAX and THERSITES] | ||
AJAX | Thersites! | |
THERSITES | Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over, | |
generally? | ||
AJAX | Thersites! | |
THERSITES | And those boils did run? say so: did not the | 5 |
general run then? were not that a botchy core? | ||
AJAX | Dog! | |
THERSITES | Then would come some matter from him; I see none now. | |
AJAX | Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear? | |
[Beating him] | ||
Feel, then. | 10 | |
THERSITES | The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel | |
beef-witted lord! | ||
AJAX | Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will | |
beat thee into handsomeness. | ||
THERSITES | I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but, | 15 |
I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than | ||
thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, | ||
canst thou? a red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks! | ||
AJAX | Toadstool, learn me the proclamation. | |
THERSITES | Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus? | 20 |
AJAX | The proclamation! | |
THERSITES | Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think. | |
AJAX | Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch. | |
THERSITES | I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had | |
the scratching of thee; I would make thee the | 25 | |
loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in | ||
the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another. | ||
AJAX | I say, the proclamation! | |
THERSITES | Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, | |
and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as | 30 | |
Cerberus is at Proserpine’s beauty, ay, that thou | ||
barkest at him. | ||
AJAX | Mistress Thersites! | |
THERSITES | Thou shouldest strike him. | |
AJAX | Cobloaf! | 35 |
THERSITES | He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a | |
sailor breaks a biscuit. | ||
AJAX | [Beating him] You whoreson cur! | |
THERSITES | Do, do. | |
AJAX | Thou stool for a witch! | 40 |
THERSITES | Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no | |
more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego | ||
may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art | ||
here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and | ||
sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. | 45 | |
If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and | ||
tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no | ||
bowels, thou! | ||
AJAX | You dog! | |
THERSITES | You scurvy lord! | 50 |
AJAX | [Beating him] You cur! | |
THERSITES | Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do. | |
[Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS] | ||
ACHILLES | Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now, | |
Thersites! what’s the matter, man? | ||
THERSITES | You see him there, do you? | 55 |
ACHILLES | Ay; what’s the matter? | |
THERSITES | Nay, look upon him. | |
ACHILLES | So I do: what’s the matter? | |
THERSITES | Nay, but regard him well. | |
ACHILLES | ‘Well!’ why, I do so. | 60 |
THERSITES | But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you | |
take him to be, he is Ajax. | ||
ACHILLES | I know that, fool. | |
THERSITES | Ay, but that fool knows not himself. | |
AJAX | Therefore I beat thee. | 65 |
THERSITES | Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his | |
evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his | ||
brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy | ||
nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not | ||
worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord, | 70 | |
Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and | ||
his guts in his head, I’ll tell you what I say of | ||
him. | ||
ACHILLES | What? | |
THERSITES | I say, this Ajax– | 75 |
[Ajax offers to beat him] | ||
ACHILLES | Nay, good Ajax. | |
THERSITES | Has not so much wit– | |
ACHILLES | Nay, I must hold you. | |
THERSITES | As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he | |
comes to fight. | 80 | |
ACHILLES | Peace, fool! | |
THERSITES | I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will | |
not: he there: that he: look you there. | ||
AJAX | O thou damned cur! I shall– | |
ACHILLES | Will you set your wit to a fool’s? | 85 |
THERSITES | No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it. | |
PATROCLUS | Good words, Thersites. | |
ACHILLES | What’s the quarrel? | |
AJAX | I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the | |
proclamation, and he rails upon me. | 90 | |
THERSITES | I serve thee not. | |
AJAX | Well, go to, go to. | |
THERSITES | I serve here voluntarily. | |
ACHILLES | Your last service was sufferance, ’twas not | |
voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was | 95 | |
here the voluntary, and you as under an impress. | ||
THERSITES | E’en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your | |
sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great | ||
catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a’ | ||
were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel. | 100 | |
ACHILLES | What, with me too, Thersites? | |
THERSITES | There’s Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy | |
ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you | ||
like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars. | ||
ACHILLES | What, what? | 105 |
THERSITES | Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to! | |
AJAX | I shall cut out your tongue. | |
THERSITES | ‘Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou | |
afterwards. | ||
PATROCLUS | No more words, Thersites; peace! | 110 |
THERSITES | I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I? | |
ACHILLES | There’s for you, Patroclus. | |
THERSITES | I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come | |
any more to your tents: I will keep where there is | ||
wit stirring and leave the faction of fools. | 115 | |
[Exit] | ||
PATROCLUS | A good riddance. | |
ACHILLES | Marry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host: | |
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun, | ||
Will with a trumpet ‘twixt our tents and Troy | ||
To-morrow morning call some knight to arms | 120 | |
That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare | ||
Maintain–I know not what: ’tis trash. Farewell. | ||
AJAX | Farewell. Who shall answer him? | |
ACHILLES | I know not: ’tis put to lottery; otherwise | |
He knew his man. | 125 | |
AJAX | O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it. | |
[Exeunt] |
Troilus and Cressida, Act 2, Scene 2