ACT I SCENE II

Troilus and Cressida

ACT I SCENE II	The same. A street.
[Enter CRESSIDA and ALEXANDER]
CRESSIDA	Who were those went by?
ALEXANDER	Queen Hecuba and Helen.
CRESSIDA	And whither go they?
ALEXANDER	Up to the eastern tower,
	Whose height commands as subject all the vale,	5
	To see the battle. Hector, whose patience
	Is, as a virtue, fix’d, to-day was moved:
	He chid Andromache and struck his armourer,
	And, like as there were husbandry in war,
	Before the sun rose he was harness’d light,	10
	And to the field goes he; where every flower
	Did, as a prophet, weep what it foresaw
	In Hector’s wrath.
CRESSIDA	What was his cause of anger?
ALEXANDER	The noise goes, this: there is among the Greeks	15
	A lord of Trojan blood, nephew to Hector;
	They call him Ajax.
CRESSIDA	Good; and what of him?
ALEXANDER	They say he is a very man per se,
	And stands alone.	20
CRESSIDA	So do all men, unless they are drunk, sick, or have no legs.
ALEXANDER	This man, lady, hath robbed many beasts of their
	particular additions; he is as valiant as the lion,
	churlish as the bear, slow as the elephant: a man
	into whom nature hath so crowded humours that his	25
	valour is crushed into folly, his folly sauced with
	discretion: there is no man hath a virtue that he
	hath not a glimpse of, nor any man an attaint but he
	carries some stain of it: he is melancholy without
	cause, and merry against the hair: he hath the	30
	joints of every thing, but everything so out of joint
	that he is a gouty Briareus, many hands and no use,
	or purblind Argus, all eyes and no sight.
CRESSIDA	But how should this man, that makes
	me smile, make Hector angry?	35
ALEXANDER	They say he yesterday coped Hector in the battle and
	struck him down, the disdain and shame whereof hath
	ever since kept Hector fasting and waking.
CRESSIDA	Who comes here?
ALEXANDER	Madam, your uncle Pandarus.	40
[Enter PANDARUS]
CRESSIDA	Hector’s a gallant man.
ALEXANDER	As may be in the world, lady.
PANDARUS	What’s that? what’s that?
CRESSIDA	Good morrow, uncle Pandarus.
PANDARUS	Good morrow, cousin Cressid: what do you talk of?	45
	Good morrow, Alexander. How do you, cousin? When
	were you at Ilium?
CRESSIDA	This morning, uncle.
PANDARUS	What were you talking of when I came? Was Hector
	armed and gone ere ye came to Ilium? Helen was not	50
	up, was she?
CRESSIDA	Hector was gone, but Helen was not up.
PANDARUS	Even so: Hector was stirring early.
CRESSIDA	That were we talking of, and of his anger.
PANDARUS	Was he angry?	55
CRESSIDA	So he says here.
PANDARUS	True, he was so: I know the cause too: he’ll lay
	about him to-day, I can tell them that: and there’s
	Troilus will not come far behind him: let them take
	heed of Troilus, I can tell them that too.	60
CRESSIDA	What, is he angry too?
PANDARUS	Who, Troilus? Troilus is the better man of the two.
CRESSIDA	O Jupiter! there’s no comparison.
PANDARUS	What, not between Troilus and Hector? Do you know a
	man if you see him?	65
CRESSIDA	Ay, if I ever saw him before and knew him.
PANDARUS	Well, I say Troilus is Troilus.
CRESSIDA	Then you say as I say; for, I am sure, he is not Hector.
PANDARUS	No, nor Hector is not Troilus in some degrees.
CRESSIDA	‘Tis just to each of them; he is himself.	70
PANDARUS	Himself! Alas, poor Troilus! I would he were.
CRESSIDA	So he is.
PANDARUS	Condition, I had gone barefoot to India.
CRESSIDA	He is not Hector.
PANDARUS	Himself! no, he’s not himself: would a’ were	75
	himself! Well, the gods are above; time must friend
	or end: well, Troilus, well: I would my heart were
	in her body. No, Hector is not a better man than Troilus.
CRESSIDA	Excuse me.
PANDARUS	He is elder.	80
CRESSIDA	Pardon me, pardon me.
PANDARUS	Th’ other’s not come to’t; you shall tell me another
	tale, when th’ other’s come to’t. Hector shall not
	have his wit this year.
CRESSIDA	He shall not need it, if he have his own.	85
PANDARUS	Nor his qualities.
CRESSIDA	No matter.
PANDARUS	Nor his beauty.
CRESSIDA	‘Twould not become him; his own’s better.
PANDARUS	You have no judgment, niece: Helen	90
	herself swore th’ other day, that Troilus, for
	a brown favour–for so ’tis, I must confess,–
	not brown neither,–
CRESSIDA	No, but brown.
PANDARUS	‘Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown.	95
CRESSIDA	To say the truth, true and not true.
PANDARUS	She praised his complexion above Paris.
CRESSIDA	Why, Paris hath colour enough.
PANDARUS	So he has.
CRESSIDA	Then Troilus should have too much: if she praised	100
	him above, his complexion is higher than his; he
	having colour enough, and the other higher, is too
	flaming a praise for a good complexion. I had as
	lief Helen’s golden tongue had commended Troilus for
	a copper nose.	105
PANDARUS	I swear to you. I think Helen loves him better than Paris.
CRESSIDA	Then she’s a merry Greek indeed.
PANDARUS	Nay, I am sure she does. She came to him th’ other
	day into the compassed window,–and, you know, he
	has not past three or four hairs on his chin,–	110
CRESSIDA	Indeed, a tapster’s arithmetic may soon bring his
	particulars therein to a total.
PANDARUS	Why, he is very young: and yet will he, within
	three pound, lift as much as his brother Hector.
CRESSIDA	Is he so young a man and so old a lifter?	115
PANDARUS	But to prove to you that Helen loves him: she came
	and puts me her white hand to his cloven chin–
CRESSIDA	Juno have mercy! how came it cloven?
PANDARUS	Why, you know ’tis dimpled: I think his smiling
	becomes him better than any man in all Phrygia.	120
CRESSIDA	O, he smiles valiantly.
PANDARUS	Does he not?
CRESSIDA	O yes, an ’twere a cloud in autumn.
PANDARUS	Why, go to, then: but to prove to you that Helen
	loves Troilus,–	125
CRESSIDA	Troilus will stand to the proof, if you’ll
	prove it so.
PANDARUS	Troilus! why, he esteems her no more than I esteem
	an addle egg.
CRESSIDA	If you love an addle egg as well as you love an idle	130
	head, you would eat chickens i’ the shell.
PANDARUS	I cannot choose but laugh, to think how she tickled
	his chin: indeed, she has a marvellous white hand, I
	must needs confess,–
CRESSIDA	Without the rack.	135
PANDARUS	And she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin.
CRESSIDA	Alas, poor chin! many a wart is richer.
PANDARUS	But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laughed
	that her eyes ran o’er.
CRESSIDA	With mill-stones.	140
PANDARUS	And Cassandra laughed.
CRESSIDA	But there was more temperate fire under the pot of
	her eyes: did her eyes run o’er too?
PANDARUS	And Hector laughed.
CRESSIDA	At what was all this laughing?	145
PANDARUS	Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus’ chin.
CRESSIDA	An’t had been a green hair, I should have laughed
	too.
PANDARUS	They laughed not so much at the hair as at his pretty answer.
CRESSIDA	What was his answer?	150
PANDARUS	Quoth she, ‘Here’s but two and fifty hairs on your
	chin, and one of them is white.
CRESSIDA	This is her question.
PANDARUS	That’s true; make no question of that. ‘Two and
	fifty hairs’ quoth he, ‘and one white: that white	155
	hair is my father, and all the rest are his sons.’
	‘Jupiter!’ quoth she, ‘which of these hairs is Paris,
	my husband? ‘The forked one,’ quoth he, ‘pluck’t
	out, and give it him.’ But there was such laughing!
	and Helen so blushed, an Paris so chafed, and all the	160
	rest so laughed, that it passed.
CRESSIDA	So let it now; for it has been while going by.
PANDARUS	Well, cousin. I told you a thing yesterday; think on’t.
CRESSIDA	So I do.
PANDARUS	I’ll be sworn ’tis true; he will weep you, an ’twere	165
	a man born in April.
CRESSIDA	And I’ll spring up in his tears, an ’twere a nettle
	against May.
[A retreat sounded]
PANDARUS	Hark! they are coming from the field: shall we
	stand up here, and see them as they pass toward	170
	Ilium? good niece, do, sweet niece Cressida.
CRESSIDA	At your pleasure.
PANDARUS	Here, here, here’s an excellent place; here we may
	see most bravely: I’ll tell you them all by their
	names as they pass by; but mark Troilus above the rest.	175
CRESSIDA	Speak not so loud.
[AENEAS passes]
PANDARUS	That’s AEneas: is not that a brave man? he’s one of
	the flowers of Troy, I can tell you: but mark
	Troilus; you shall see anon.
[ANTENOR passes]
CRESSIDA	Who’s that?	180
PANDARUS	That’s Antenor: he has a shrewd wit, I can tell you;
	and he’s a man good enough, he’s one o’ the soundest
	judgments in whosoever, and a proper man of person.
	When comes Troilus? I’ll show you Troilus anon: if
	he see me, you shall see him nod at me.	185
CRESSIDA	Will he give you the nod?
PANDARUS	You shall see.
CRESSIDA	If he do, the rich shall have more.
[HECTOR passes]
PANDARUS	That’s Hector, that, that, look you, that; there’s a
	fellow! Go thy way, Hector! There’s a brave man,	190
	niece. O brave Hector! Look how he looks! there’s
	a countenance! is’t not a brave man?
CRESSIDA	O, a brave man!
PANDARUS	Is a’ not? it does a man’s heart good. Look you
	what hacks are on his helmet! look you yonder, do	195
	you see? look you there: there’s no jesting;
	there’s laying on, take’t off who will, as they say:
	there be hacks!
CRESSIDA	Be those with swords?
PANDARUS	Swords! any thing, he cares not; an the devil come	200
	to him, it’s all one: by God’s lid, it does one’s
	heart good. Yonder comes Paris, yonder comes Paris.
[PARIS passes]
	Look ye yonder, niece; is’t not a gallant man too,
	is’t not? Why, this is brave now. Who said he came
	hurt home to-day? he’s not hurt: why, this will do	205
	Helen’s heart good now, ha! Would I could see
	Troilus now! You shall see Troilus anon.
[HELENUS passes]
CRESSIDA	Who’s that?
PANDARUS	That’s Helenus. I marvel where Troilus is. That’s
	Helenus. I think he went not forth to-day. That’s Helenus.	210
CRESSIDA	Can Helenus fight, uncle?
PANDARUS	Helenus? no. Yes, he’ll fight indifferent well. I
	marvel where Troilus is. Hark! do you not hear the
	people cry ‘Troilus’? Helenus is a priest.
CRESSIDA	What sneaking fellow comes yonder?	215
[TROILUS passes]
PANDARUS	Where? yonder? that’s Deiphobus. ‘Tis Troilus!
	there’s a man, niece! Hem! Brave Troilus! the
	prince of chivalry!
CRESSIDA	Peace, for shame, peace!
PANDARUS	Mark him; note him. O brave Troilus! Look well upon	220
	him, niece: look you how his sword is bloodied, and
	his helm more hacked than Hector’s, and how he looks,
	and how he goes! O admirable youth! he ne’er saw
	three and twenty. Go thy way, Troilus, go thy way!
	Had I a sister were a grace, or a daughter a goddess,	225
	he should take his choice. O admirable man! Paris?
	Paris is dirt to him; and, I warrant, Helen, to
	change, would give an eye to boot.
CRESSIDA	Here come more.
[Forces pass]
PANDARUS	Asses, fools, dolts! chaff and bran, chaff and bran!	230
	porridge after meat! I could live and die i’ the
	eyes of Troilus. Ne’er look, ne’er look: the eagles
	are gone: crows and daws, crows and daws! I had
	rather be such a man as Troilus than Agamemnon and
	all Greece.	235
CRESSIDA	There is among the Greeks Achilles, a better man than Troilus.
PANDARUS	Achilles! a drayman, a porter, a very camel.
CRESSIDA	Well, well.
PANDARUS	‘Well, well!’ why, have you any discretion? have
	you any eyes? Do you know what a man is? Is not	240
	birth, beauty, good shape, discourse, manhood,
	learning, gentleness, virtue, youth, liberality,
	and such like, the spice and salt that season a man?
CRESSIDA	Ay, a minced man: and then to be baked with no date
	in the pie, for then the man’s date’s out.	245
PANDARUS	You are such a woman! one knows not at what ward you
	lie.
CRESSIDA	Upon my back, to defend my belly; upon my wit, to
	defend my wiles; upon my secrecy, to defend mine
	honesty; my mask, to defend my beauty; and you, to	250
	defend all these: and at all these wards I lie, at a
	thousand watches.
PANDARUS	Say one of your watches.
CRESSIDA	Nay, I’ll watch you for that; and that’s one of the
	chiefest of them too: if I cannot ward what I would	255
	not have hit, I can watch you for telling how I took
	the blow; unless it swell past hiding, and then it’s
	past watching.
PANDARUS	You are such another!
[Enter Troilus’s Boy]
Boy	Sir, my lord would instantly speak with you.	260
PANDARUS	Where?
Boy	At your own house; there he unarms him.
PANDARUS	Good boy, tell him I come.
[Exit boy]
	I doubt he be hurt. Fare ye well, good niece.
CRESSIDA	Adieu, uncle.	265
PANDARUS	I’ll be with you, niece, by and by.
CRESSIDA	To bring, uncle?
PANDARUS	Ay, a token from Troilus.
CRESSIDA	By the same token, you are a bawd.
[Exit PANDARUS]
	Words, vows, gifts, tears, and love’s full sacrifice,	270
	He offers in another’s enterprise;
	But more in Troilus thousand fold I see
	Than in the glass of Pandar’s praise may be;
	Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing:
	Things won are done; joy’s soul lies in the doing.	275
	That she beloved knows nought that knows not this:
	Men prize the thing ungain’d more than it is:
	That she was never yet that ever knew
	Love got so sweet as when desire did sue.
	Therefore this maxim out of love I teach:	280
	Achievement is command; ungain’d, beseech:
	Then though my heart’s content firm love doth bear,
	Nothing of that shall from mine eyes appear.
[Exeunt]

Troilus and Cressida, Act 1, Scene 3