ACT III SCENE I

The Merry Wives of Windsor

ACT III SCENE I	A field near Frogmore.
[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE]
SIR HUGH EVANS	I pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man,
	and friend Simple by your name, which way have you
	looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
SIMPLE	Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every
	way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town	5
	way.
SIR HUGH EVANS	I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
	way.
SIMPLE	I will, sir.
[Exit]
SIR HUGH EVANS	‘Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and	10
	trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have
	deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog
	his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have
	good opportunities for the ork. ‘Pless my soul!
[Sings]
	To shallow rivers, to whose falls	15
	Melodious birds sings madrigals;
	There will we make our peds of roses,
	And a thousand fragrant posies.
	To shallow–
	Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.	20
[Sings]
	Melodious birds sing madrigals–
	When as I sat in Pabylon–
	And a thousand vagram posies.
	To shallow &c.
[Re-enter SIMPLE]
SIMPLE	Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.	25
SIR HUGH EVANS	He’s welcome.
[Sings]
	To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
	Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
SIMPLE	No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master
	Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over	30
	the stile, this way.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.
[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER]
SHALLOW	How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.
	Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student
	from his book, and it is wonderful.	35
SLENDER	[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!
PAGE	‘Save you, good Sir Hugh!
SIR HUGH EVANS	‘Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
SHALLOW	What, the sword and the word! do you study them
	both, master parson?	40
PAGE	And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this
	raw rheumatic day!
SIR HUGH EVANS	There is reasons and causes for it.
PAGE	We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Fery well: what is it?	45
PAGE	Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike
	having received wrong by some person, is at most
	odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you
	saw.
SHALLOW	I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never	50
	heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so
	wide of his own respect.
SIR HUGH EVANS	What is he?
PAGE	I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the
	renowned French physician.	55
SIR HUGH EVANS	Got’s will, and his passion of my heart! I had as
	lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
PAGE	Why?
SIR HUGH EVANS	He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,
	–and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you	60
	would desires to be acquainted withal.
PAGE	I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.
SHALLOW	[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
SHALLOW	It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:
	here comes Doctor Caius.	65
[Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY]
PAGE	Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.
SHALLOW	So do you, good master doctor.
Host	Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep
	their limbs whole and hack our English.
DOCTOR CAIUS	I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.	70
	Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
SIR HUGH EVANS	[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:
	in good time.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
SIR HUGH EVANS	[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not be	75
	laughing-stocks to other men’s humours; I desire you
	in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
[Aloud]
	I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cockscomb
	for missing your meetings and appointments.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Diable! Jack Rugby,–mine host de Jarteer,–have I	80
	not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place
	I did appoint?
SIR HUGH EVANS	As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the
	place appointed: I’ll be judgement by mine host of
	the Garter.	85
Host	Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
	soul-curer and body-curer!
DOCTOR CAIUS	Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
Host	Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I
	politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I	90
	lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the
	motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir
	Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the
	no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me
	thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have	95
	deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong
	places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are
	whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay
	their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;
	follow, follow, follow.	100
SHALLOW	Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.
SLENDER	[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
[Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host]
DOCTOR CAIUS	Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of
	us, ha, ha?
SIR HUGH EVANS	This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I	105
	desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog
	our prains together to be revenge on this same
	scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me
	where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.	110
SIR HUGH EVANS	Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.
[Exeunt]

Next: The Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 3, Scene 2