ACT I SCENE IV

The Merry Wives of Windsor

ACT I SCENE IV	A room in DOCTOR’S CAIUS’ house.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,
	and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor
	Caius, coming. If he do, i’ faith, and find any
	body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
	God’s patience and the king’s English.	5
RUGBY	I’ll go watch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in
	faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
[Exit RUGBY]
	An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant
	shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no	10
	tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,
	that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish
	that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let
	that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?
SIMPLE	Ay, for fault of a better.	15
MISTRESS QUICKLY	And Master Slender’s your master?
SIMPLE	Ay, forsooth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
	glover’s paring-knife?
SIMPLE	No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a	20
	little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
SIMPLE	Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands
	as any is between this and his head; he hath fought
	with a warrener.	25
MISTRESS QUICKLY	How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not
	hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
SIMPLE	Yes, indeed, does he.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell
	Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your	30
	master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish–
[Re-enter RUGBY]
RUGBY	Out, alas! here comes my master.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;
	go into this closet: he will not stay long.
[Shuts SIMPLE in the closet]
	What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!	35
	Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt
	he be not well, that he comes not home.
[Singing]
	And down, down, adown-a, &c.
[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS]
DOCTOR CAIUS	Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,
	go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,	40
	a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Ay, forsooth; I’ll fetch it you.
[Aside]
	I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found
	the young man, he would have been horn-mad.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je	45
	m’en vais a la cour–la grande affaire.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Is it this, sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS	Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere
	is dat knave Rugby?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	What, John Rugby! John!	50
RUGBY	Here, sir!
DOCTOR CAIUS	You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,
	take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.
RUGBY	‘Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By my trot, I tarry too long. Od’s me!	55
	Qu’ai-j’oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,
	dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Ay me, he’ll find the young man here, and be mad!
DOCTOR CAIUS	O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!
[Pulling SIMPLE out]
	Rugby, my rapier!	60
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Good master, be content.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Wherefore shall I be content-a?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	The young man is an honest man.
DOCTOR CAIUS	What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is
	no honest man dat shall come in my closet.	65
MISTRESS QUICKLY	I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth
	of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Vell.
SIMPLE	Ay, forsooth; to desire her to–
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Peace, I pray you.	70
DOCTOR CAIUS	Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.
SIMPLE	To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to
	speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my
	master in the way of marriage.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	This is all, indeed, la! but I’ll ne’er put my	75
	finger in the fire, and need not.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.
	Tarry you a little-a while.
[Writes]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	[Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if he
	had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him	80
	so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,
	man, I’ll do you your master what good I can: and
	the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my
	master,–I may call him my master, look you, for I
	keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,	85
	scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do
	all myself,–
SIMPLE	[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] ‘Tis a great charge to
	come under one body’s hand.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	[Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o’ that? you	90
	shall find it a great charge: and to be up early
	and down late; but notwithstanding,–to tell you in
	your ear; I would have no words of it,–my master
	himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but
	notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind,–that’s	95
	neither here nor there.
DOCTOR CAIUS	You jack’nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by
	gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee
	park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest
	to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good	100
	you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two
	stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw
	at his dog:
[Exit SIMPLE]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
DOCTOR CAIUS	It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me	105
	dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
	vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine
	host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I
	will myself have Anne Page.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We	110
	must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!
DOCTOR CAIUS	Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have
	not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my
	door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
[Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	You shall have An fool’s-head of your own. No, I	115
	know Anne’s mind for that: never a woman in Windsor
	knows more of Anne’s mind than I do; nor can do more
	than I do with her, I thank heaven.
FENTON	[Within] Who’s within there? ho!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Who’s there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.	120
[Enter FENTON]
FENTON	How now, good woman? how dost thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.
FENTON	What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
	gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you	125
	that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
FENTON	Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but
	notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a
	book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart	130
	above your eye?
FENTON	Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such
	another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
	broke bread: we had an hour’s talk of that wart. I	135
	shall never laugh but in that maid’s company! But
	indeed she is given too much to allicholy and
	musing: but for you–well, go to.
FENTON	Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there’s money
	for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if	140
	thou seest her before me, commend me.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Will I? i’faith, that we will; and I will tell your
	worship more of the wart the next time we have
	confidence; and of other wooers.
FENTON	Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.	145
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Farewell to your worship.
[Exit FENTON]
	Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;
	for I know Anne’s mind as well as another does. Out
	upon’t! what have I forgot?
[Exit]

Next: The Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 2, Scene 1