The Merry Wives of Windsor
ACT I SCENE I | Windsor. Before PAGE’S house. | |
[Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS] | ||
SHALLOW | Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star- | |
chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John | ||
Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire. | ||
SLENDER | In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and | |
‘Coram.’ | 5 | |
SHALLOW | Ay, cousin Slender, and ‘Custalourum. | |
SLENDER | Ay, and ‘Rato-lorum’ too; and a gentleman born, | |
master parson; who writes himself ‘Armigero,’ in any | ||
bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, ‘Armigero.’ | ||
SHALLOW | Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three | 10 |
hundred years. | ||
SLENDER | All his successors gone before him hath done’t; and | |
all his ancestors that come after him may: they may | ||
give the dozen white luces in their coat. | ||
SHALLOW | It is an old coat. | 15 |
SIR HUGH EVANS | The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; | |
it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to | ||
man, and signifies love. | ||
SHALLOW | The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat. | |
SLENDER | I may quarter, coz. | 20 |
SHALLOW | You may, by marrying. | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. | |
SHALLOW | Not a whit. | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | Yes, py’r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat, | |
there is but three skirts for yourself, in my | 25 | |
simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir | ||
John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto | ||
you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my | ||
benevolence to make atonements and compremises | ||
between you. | 30 | |
SHALLOW | The council shall bear it; it is a riot. | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no | |
fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall | ||
desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a | ||
riot; take your vizaments in that. | 35 | |
SHALLOW | Ha! o’ my life, if I were young again, the sword | |
should end it. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it: | |
and there is also another device in my prain, which | ||
peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there | 40 | |
is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas | ||
Page, which is pretty virginity. | ||
SLENDER | Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks | |
small like a woman. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as | 45 |
you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, | ||
and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his | ||
death’s-bed–Got deliver to a joyful resurrections! | ||
–give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years | ||
old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles | 50 | |
and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master | ||
Abraham and Mistress Anne Page. | ||
SLENDER | Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound? | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny. | |
SLENDER | I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts. | 55 |
SIR HUGH EVANS | Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts. | |
SHALLOW | Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there? | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do | |
despise one that is false, or as I despise one that | ||
is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I | 60 | |
beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will | ||
peat the door for Master Page. | ||
[Knocks] | ||
What, hoa! Got pless your house here! | ||
PAGE | [Within] Who’s there? | |
[Enter PAGE] | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice | 65 |
Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that | ||
peradventures shall tell you another tale, if | ||
matters grow to your likings. | ||
PAGE | I am glad to see your worships well. | |
I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow. | 70 | |
SHALLOW | Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it | |
your good heart! I wished your venison better; it | ||
was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?–and I | ||
thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart. | ||
PAGE | Sir, I thank you. | 75 |
SHALLOW | Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. | |
PAGE | I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. | |
SLENDER | How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he | |
was outrun on Cotsall. | ||
PAGE | It could not be judged, sir. | 80 |
SLENDER | You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess. | |
SHALLOW | That he will not. ‘Tis your fault, ’tis your fault; | |
’tis a good dog. | ||
PAGE | A cur, sir. | |
SHALLOW | Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be | 85 |
more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John | ||
Falstaff here? | ||
PAGE | Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good | |
office between you. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. | 90 |
SHALLOW | He hath wronged me, Master Page. | |
PAGE | Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. | |
SHALLOW | If it be confessed, it is not redress’d: is not that | |
so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he | ||
hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert | 95 | |
Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged. | ||
PAGE | Here comes Sir John. | |
[Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL] | ||
FALSTAFF | Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the king? | |
SHALLOW | Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and | |
broke open my lodge. | 100 | |
FALSTAFF | But not kissed your keeper’s daughter? | |
SHALLOW | Tut, a pin! this shall be answered. | |
FALSTAFF | I will answer it straight; I have done all this. | |
That is now answered. | ||
SHALLOW | The council shall know this. | 105 |
FALSTAFF | ‘Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: | |
you’ll be laughed at. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. | |
FALSTAFF | Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your | |
head: what matter have you against me? | 110 | |
SLENDER | Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; | |
and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, | ||
Nym, and Pistol. | ||
BARDOLPH | You Banbury cheese! | |
SLENDER | Ay, it is no matter. | 115 |
PISTOL | How now, Mephostophilus! | |
SLENDER | Ay, it is no matter. | |
NYM | Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that’s my humour. | |
SLENDER | Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin? | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is | 120 |
three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that | ||
is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is | ||
myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, | ||
lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter. | ||
PAGE | We three, to hear it and end it between them. | 125 |
SIR HUGH EVANS | Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note- | |
book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with | ||
as great discreetly as we can. | ||
FALSTAFF | Pistol! | |
PISTOL | He hears with ears. | 130 |
SIR HUGH EVANS | The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, ‘He | |
hears with ear’? why, it is affectations. | ||
FALSTAFF | Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse? | |
SLENDER | Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might | |
never come in mine own great chamber again else, of | 135 | |
seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward | ||
shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two | ||
pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves. | ||
FALSTAFF | Is this true, Pistol? | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse. | 140 |
PISTOL | Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine, | |
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. | ||
Word of denial in thy labras here! | ||
Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest! | ||
SLENDER | By these gloves, then, ’twas he. | 145 |
NYM | Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say | |
‘marry trap’ with you, if you run the nuthook’s | ||
humour on me; that is the very note of it. | ||
SLENDER | By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for | |
though I cannot remember what I did when you made me | 150 | |
drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass. | ||
FALSTAFF | What say you, Scarlet and John? | |
BARDOLPH | Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk | |
himself out of his five sentences. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is! | 155 |
BARDOLPH | And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and | |
so conclusions passed the careires. | ||
SLENDER | Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no | |
matter: I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again, | ||
but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: | 160 | |
if I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have | ||
the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. | |
FALSTAFF | You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it. | |
[ Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following ] | ||
PAGE | Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink within. | 165 |
[Exit ANNE PAGE] | ||
SLENDER | O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page. | |
PAGE | How now, Mistress Ford! | |
FALSTAFF | Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met: | |
by your leave, good mistress. | ||
[Kisses her] | ||
PAGE | Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a | 170 |
hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope | ||
we shall drink down all unkindness. | ||
[Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS] | ||
SLENDER | I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of | |
Songs and Sonnets here. | ||
[Enter SIMPLE] | ||
How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait | 175 | |
on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles | ||
about you, have you? | ||
SIMPLE | Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice | |
Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight | ||
afore Michaelmas? | 180 | |
SHALLOW | Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with | |
you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a | ||
tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh | ||
here. Do you understand me? | ||
SLENDER | Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, | 185 |
I shall do that that is reason. | ||
SHALLOW | Nay, but understand me. | |
SLENDER | So I do, sir. | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will | |
description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it. | 190 | |
SLENDER | Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray | |
you, pardon me; he’s a justice of peace in his | ||
country, simple though I stand here. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | But that is not the question: the question is | |
concerning your marriage. | 195 | |
SHALLOW | Ay, there’s the point, sir. | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page. | |
SLENDER | Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any | |
reasonable demands. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | But can you affection the ‘oman? Let us command to | 200 |
know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers | ||
philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the | ||
mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your | ||
good will to the maid? | ||
SHALLOW | Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? | 205 |
SLENDER | I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that | |
would do reason. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must speak | |
possitable, if you can carry her your desires | ||
towards her. | 210 | |
SHALLOW | That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her? | |
SLENDER | I will do a greater thing than that, upon your | |
request, cousin, in any reason. | ||
SHALLOW | Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do | |
is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid? | 215 | |
SLENDER | I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there | |
be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may | ||
decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are | ||
married and have more occasion to know one another; | ||
I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt: | 220 | |
but if you say, ‘Marry her,’ I will marry her; that | ||
I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely. | ||
SIR HUGH EVANS | It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in | |
the ort ‘dissolutely:’ the ort is, according to our | ||
meaning, ‘resolutely:’ his meaning is good. | 225 | |
SHALLOW | Ay, I think my cousin meant well. | |
SLENDER | Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la! | |
SHALLOW | Here comes fair Mistress Anne. | |
[Re-enter ANNE PAGE] | ||
Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne! | ||
ANNE PAGE | The dinner is on the table; my father desires your | 230 |
worships’ company. | ||
SHALLOW | I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne. | |
SIR HUGH EVANS | Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace. | |
[Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS] | ||
ANNE PAGE | Will’t please your worship to come in, sir? | |
SLENDER | No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well. | 235 |
ANNE PAGE | The dinner attends you, sir. | |
SLENDER | I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, | |
sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my | ||
cousin Shallow. | ||
[Exit SIMPLE] | ||
A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his | 240 | |
friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy | ||
yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I | ||
live like a poor gentleman born. | ||
ANNE PAGE | I may not go in without your worship: they will not | |
sit till you come. | 245 | |
SLENDER | I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as | |
though I did. | ||
ANNE PAGE | I pray you, sir, walk in. | |
SLENDER | I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised | |
my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and | 250 | |
dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a | ||
dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot | ||
abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your | ||
dogs bark so? be there bears i’ the town? | ||
ANNE PAGE | I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of. | 255 |
SLENDER | I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at | |
it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see | ||
the bear loose, are you not? | ||
ANNE PAGE | Ay, indeed, sir. | |
SLENDER | That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen | 260 |
Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by | ||
the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so | ||
cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women, | ||
indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favored | ||
rough things. | 265 | |
[Re-enter PAGE] | ||
PAGE | Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you. | |
SLENDER | I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. | |
PAGE | By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come. | |
SLENDER | Nay, pray you, lead the way. | |
PAGE | Come on, sir. | 270 |
SLENDER | Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. | |
ANNE PAGE | Not I, sir; pray you, keep on. | |
SLENDER | I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. | |
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la! | ||
[Exeunt] |
Next: The Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 1, Scene 2