ACT I SCENE I

The Merry Wives of Windsor

ACT I SCENE I	Windsor. Before PAGE’S house.
[Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS]
SHALLOW	Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-
	chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John
	Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
SLENDER	In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and
	‘Coram.’	5
SHALLOW	Ay, cousin Slender, and ‘Custalourum.
SLENDER	Ay, and ‘Rato-lorum’ too; and a gentleman born,
	master parson; who writes himself ‘Armigero,’ in any
	bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, ‘Armigero.’
SHALLOW	Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three	10
	hundred years.
SLENDER	All his successors gone before him hath done’t; and
	all his ancestors that come after him may: they may
	give the dozen white luces in their coat.
SHALLOW	It is an old coat.	15
SIR HUGH EVANS	The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;
	it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to
	man, and signifies love.
SHALLOW	The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
SLENDER	I may quarter, coz.	20
SHALLOW	You may, by marrying.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
SHALLOW	Not a whit.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Yes, py’r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,
	there is but three skirts for yourself, in my	25
	simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir
	John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto
	you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my
	benevolence to make atonements and compremises
	between you.	30
SHALLOW	The council shall bear it; it is a riot.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no
	fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall
	desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a
	riot; take your vizaments in that.	35
SHALLOW	Ha! o’ my life, if I were young again, the sword
	should end it.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it:
	and there is also another device in my prain, which
	peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there	40
	is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas
	Page, which is pretty virginity.
SLENDER	Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks
	small like a woman.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as	45
	you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys,
	and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his
	death’s-bed–Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!
	–give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
	old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles	50
	and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master
	Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER	Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
SIR HUGH EVANS	Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
SLENDER	I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.	55
SIR HUGH EVANS	Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.
SHALLOW	Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
SIR HUGH EVANS	Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do
	despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
	is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I	60
	beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will
	peat the door for Master Page.
[Knocks]
	What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
PAGE	[Within] Who’s there?
[Enter PAGE]
SIR HUGH EVANS	Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice	65
	Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that
	peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
	matters grow to your likings.
PAGE	I am glad to see your worships well.
	I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.	70
SHALLOW	Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it
	your good heart! I wished your venison better; it
	was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?–and I
	thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
PAGE	Sir, I thank you.	75
SHALLOW	Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
PAGE	I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
SLENDER	How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he
	was outrun on Cotsall.
PAGE	It could not be judged, sir.	80
SLENDER	You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.
SHALLOW	That he will not. ‘Tis your fault, ’tis your fault;
	’tis a good dog.
PAGE	A cur, sir.
SHALLOW	Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be	85
	more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John
	Falstaff here?
PAGE	Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good
	office between you.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.	90
SHALLOW	He hath wronged me, Master Page.
PAGE	Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
SHALLOW	If it be confessed, it is not redress’d: is not that
	so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he
	hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert	95
	Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.
PAGE	Here comes Sir John.
[Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL]
FALSTAFF	Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the king?
SHALLOW	Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and
	broke open my lodge.	100
FALSTAFF	But not kissed your keeper’s daughter?
SHALLOW	Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.
FALSTAFF	I will answer it straight; I have done all this.
	That is now answered.
SHALLOW	The council shall know this.	105
FALSTAFF	‘Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:
	you’ll be laughed at.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
FALSTAFF	Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your
	head: what matter have you against me?	110
SLENDER	Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;
	and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
	Nym, and Pistol.
BARDOLPH	You Banbury cheese!
SLENDER	Ay, it is no matter.	115
PISTOL	How now, Mephostophilus!
SLENDER	Ay, it is no matter.
NYM	Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that’s my humour.
SLENDER	Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
SIR HUGH EVANS	Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is	120
	three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that
	is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is
	myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is,
	lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
PAGE	We three, to hear it and end it between them.	125
SIR HUGH EVANS	Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-
	book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with
	as great discreetly as we can.
FALSTAFF	Pistol!
PISTOL	He hears with ears.	130
SIR HUGH EVANS	The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, ‘He
	hears with ear’? why, it is affectations.
FALSTAFF	Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?
SLENDER	Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might
	never come in mine own great chamber again else, of	135
	seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
	shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two
	pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
FALSTAFF	Is this true, Pistol?
SIR HUGH EVANS	No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.	140
PISTOL	Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine,
	I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
	Word of denial in thy labras here!
	Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!
SLENDER	By these gloves, then, ’twas he.	145
NYM	Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say
	‘marry trap’ with you, if you run the nuthook’s
	humour on me; that is the very note of it.
SLENDER	By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
	though I cannot remember what I did when you made me	150
	drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
FALSTAFF	What say you, Scarlet and John?
BARDOLPH	Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk
	himself out of his five sentences.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!	155
BARDOLPH	And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and
	so conclusions passed the careires.
SLENDER	Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no
	matter: I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again,
	but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:	160
	if I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have
	the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
SIR HUGH EVANS	So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
FALSTAFF	You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
[ Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following ]
PAGE	Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink within.	165
[Exit ANNE PAGE]
SLENDER	O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
PAGE	How now, Mistress Ford!
FALSTAFF	Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:
	by your leave, good mistress.
[Kisses her]
PAGE	Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a	170
	hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope
	we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS]
SLENDER	I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of
	Songs and Sonnets here.
[Enter SIMPLE]
	How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait	175
	on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles
	about you, have you?
SIMPLE	Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice
	Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight
	afore Michaelmas?	180
SHALLOW	Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with
	you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a
	tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh
	here. Do you understand me?
SLENDER	Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,	185
	I shall do that that is reason.
SHALLOW	Nay, but understand me.
SLENDER	So I do, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will
	description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.	190
SLENDER	Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray
	you, pardon me; he’s a justice of peace in his
	country, simple though I stand here.
SIR HUGH EVANS	But that is not the question: the question is
	concerning your marriage.	195
SHALLOW	Ay, there’s the point, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER	Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
	reasonable demands.
SIR HUGH EVANS	But can you affection the ‘oman? Let us command to	200
	know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers
	philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the
	mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
	good will to the maid?
SHALLOW	Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?	205
SLENDER	I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that
	would do reason.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must speak
	possitable, if you can carry her your desires
	towards her.	210
SHALLOW	That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
SLENDER	I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
	request, cousin, in any reason.
SHALLOW	Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do
	is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?	215
SLENDER	I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there
	be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may
	decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are
	married and have more occasion to know one another;
	I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt:	220
	but if you say, ‘Marry her,’ I will marry her; that
	I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in
	the ort ‘dissolutely:’ the ort is, according to our
	meaning, ‘resolutely:’ his meaning is good.	225
SHALLOW	Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
SLENDER	Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
SHALLOW	Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
[Re-enter ANNE PAGE]
	Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
ANNE PAGE	The dinner is on the table; my father desires your	230
	worships’ company.
SHALLOW	I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
[Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS]
ANNE PAGE	Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?
SLENDER	No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.	235
ANNE PAGE	The dinner attends you, sir.
SLENDER	I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,
	sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my
	cousin Shallow.
[Exit SIMPLE]
	A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his	240
	friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
	yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I
	live like a poor gentleman born.
ANNE PAGE	I may not go in without your worship: they will not
	sit till you come.	245
SLENDER	I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as
	though I did.
ANNE PAGE	I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER	I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
	my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and	250
	dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a
	dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot
	abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
	dogs bark so? be there bears i’ the town?
ANNE PAGE	I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.	255
SLENDER	I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at
	it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
	the bear loose, are you not?
ANNE PAGE	Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER	That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen	260
	Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by
	the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so
	cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women,
	indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favored
	rough things.	265
[Re-enter PAGE]
PAGE	Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
SLENDER	I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
PAGE	By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.
SLENDER	Nay, pray you, lead the way.
PAGE	Come on, sir.	270
SLENDER	Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
ANNE PAGE	Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.
SLENDER	I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
	You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
[Exeunt]

Next: The Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 1, Scene 2