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King Henry IV, Part II

ACT II SCENE IVLondon. The Boar’s-head Tavern in Eastcheap.
Enter two Drawers
First DrawerWhat the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns?
thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.
Second DrawerMass, thou sayest true. The prince once set a dish
of apple-johns before him, and told him there were 5
five more Sir Johns, and, putting off his hat, said
‘I will now take my leave of these six dry, round,
old, withered knights.’ It angered him to the
heart: but he hath forgot that.
First DrawerWhy, then, cover, and set them down: and see if 10
thou canst find out Sneak’s noise; Mistress
Tearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch: the
room where they supped is too hot; they’ll come in straight.
Second DrawerSirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins
anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and 15
aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph
hath brought word.
First DrawerBy the mass, here will be old Utis: it will be an
excellent stratagem.
Second DrawerI’ll see if I can find out Sneak. 20
MISTRESS QUICKLYI’ faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an
excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as
extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your
colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good
truth, la! But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much 25
canaries; and that’s a marvellous searching wine,
and it perfumes the blood ere one can say ‘What’s
this?’ How do you now?
DOLL TEARSHEETBetter than I was: hem!
MISTRESS QUICKLYWhy, that’s well said; a good heart’s worth gold. 30
Lo, here comes Sir John.
–Empty the jordan.
Exit First Drawer
–‘And was a worthy king.’ How now, Mistress Doll!
MISTRESS QUICKLYSick of a calm; yea, good faith.
FALSTAFFSo is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick. 35
DOLL TEARSHEETYou muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?
FALSTAFFYou make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
DOLL TEARSHEETI make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I
make them not.
FALSTAFFIf the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to 40
make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we
catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue grant that.
DOLL TEARSHEETYea, joy, our chains and our jewels.
FALSTAFF‘Your broaches, pearls, and ouches:’ for to serve
bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come 45
off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to
surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged
chambers bravely,–
DOLL TEARSHEETHang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!
MISTRESS QUICKLYBy my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never 50
meet but you fall to some discord: you are both,
i’ good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you
cannot one bear with another’s confirmities. What
the good-year! one must bear, and that must be
you: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the 55
emptier vessel.
DOLL TEARSHEETCan a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full
hogshead? there’s a whole merchant’s venture of
Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk
better stuffed in the hold. Come, I’ll be friends 60
with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and
whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is
nobody cares.
Re-enter First Drawer
First DrawerSir, Ancient Pistol’s below, and would speak with
you. 65
DOLL TEARSHEETHang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come
hither: it is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England.
MISTRESS QUICKLYIf he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my
faith; I must live among my neighbours: I’ll no
swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the 70
very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers
here: I have not lived all this while, to have
swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you.
FALSTAFFDost thou hear, hostess?
MISTRESS QUICKLYPray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no 75
swaggerers here.
FALSTAFFDost thou hear? it is mine ancient.
MISTRESS QUICKLYTilly-fally, Sir John, ne’er tell me: your ancient
swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master
Tisick, the debuty, t’other day; and, as he said to 80
me, ’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, ‘I’
good faith, neighbour Quickly,’ says he; Master
Dumbe, our minister, was by then; ‘neighbour
Quickly,’ says he, ‘receive those that are civil;
for,’ said he, ‘you are in an ill name:’ now a’ 85
said so, I can tell whereupon; ‘for,’ says he, ‘you
are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore
take heed what guests you receive: receive,’ says
he, ‘no swaggering companions.’ There comes none
here: you would bless you to hear what he said: 90
no, I’ll no swaggerers.
FALSTAFFHe’s no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i’
faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy
greyhound: he’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if
her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. 95
Call him up, drawer.
Exit First Drawer
MISTRESS QUICKLYCheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my
house, nor no cheater: but I do not love
swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse, when one
says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you, 100
I warrant you.
DOLL TEARSHEETSo you do, hostess.
MISTRESS QUICKLYDo I? yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an aspen
leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.
Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and Page
PISTOLGod save you, Sir John! 105
FALSTAFFWelcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge
you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.
PISTOLI will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.
FALSTAFFShe is Pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend
her. 110
MISTRESS QUICKLYCome, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I’ll
drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s
pleasure, I.
PISTOLThen to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.
DOLL TEARSHEETCharge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! 115
you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen
mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for
your master.
PISTOLI know you, Mistress Dorothy.
DOLL TEARSHEETAway, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! 120
by this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy
chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away,
you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale
juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s
light, with two points on your shoulder? much! 125
PISTOLGod let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.
FALSTAFFNo more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here:
discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
MISTRESS QUICKLYNo, Good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.
DOLL TEARSHEETCaptain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou 130
not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were
of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for
taking their names upon you before you have earned
them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for
tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy-house? He a 135
captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy
stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God’s
light, these villains will make the word as odious
as the word ‘occupy;’ which was an excellent good
word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains 140
had need look to ‘t.
BARDOLPHPray thee, go down, good ancient.
FALSTAFFHark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
PISTOLNot I I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could
tear her: I’ll be revenged of her. 145
PagePray thee, go down.
PISTOLI’ll see her damned first; to Pluto’s damned lake,
by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and
tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I.
Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not 150
Hiren here?
MISTRESS QUICKLYGood Captain Peesel, be quiet; ’tis very late, i’
faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.
PISTOLThese be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses
And hollow pamper’d jades of Asia, 155
Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,
Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,
And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with
King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
Shall we fall foul for toys? 160
MISTRESS QUICKLYBy my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.
BARDOLPHBe gone, good ancient: this will grow to abrawl anon.
PISTOLDie men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have we
not Heren here?
MISTRESS QUICKLYO’ my word, captain, there’s none such here. What 165
the good-year! do you think I would deny her? For
God’s sake, be quiet.
PISTOLThen feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
Come, give’s some sack.
‘Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.’ 170
Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:
Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
Laying down his sword
Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing?
FALSTAFFPistol, I would be quiet.
PISTOLSweet knight, I kiss thy neaf: what! we have seen 175
the seven stars.
DOLL TEARSHEETFor God’s sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot
endure such a fustian rascal.
PISTOLThrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags?
FALSTAFFQuoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat 180
shilling: nay, an a’ do nothing but speak nothing,
a’ shall be nothing here.
BARDOLPHCome, get you down stairs.
PISTOLWhat! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?
Snatching up his sword
Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days! 185
Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!
MISTRESS QUICKLYHere’s goodly stuff toward!
FALSTAFFGive me my rapier, boy.
DOLL TEARSHEETI pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw. 190
FALSTAFFGet you down stairs.
Drawing, and driving PISTOL out
MISTRESS QUICKLYHere’s a goodly tumult! I’ll forswear keeping
house, afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights.
So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up
your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons. 195
DOLL TEARSHEETI pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal’s gone.
Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you!
MISTRESS QUICKLYHe you not hurt i’ the groin? methought a’ made a
shrewd thrust at your belly.
FALSTAFFHave you turned him out o’ doors? 200
BARDOLPHYea, sir. The rascal’s drunk: you have hurt him,
sir, i’ the shoulder.
FALSTAFFA rascal! to brave me!
DOLL TEARSHEETAh, you sweet little rogue, you! alas, poor ape,
how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face; 205
come on, you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i’faith, I
love thee: thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy,
worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than
the Nine Worthies: ah, villain!
FALSTAFFA rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket. 210
DOLL TEARSHEETDo, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost,
I’ll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.
Enter Music
PageThe music is come, sir.
FALSTAFFLet them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll.
A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me 215
like quicksilver.
DOLL TEARSHEETI’ faith, and thou followedst him like a church.
Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig,
when wilt thou leave fighting o’ days and foining
o’ nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven? 220
Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised
FALSTAFFPeace, good Doll! do not speak like a death’s-head;
do not bid me remember mine end.
DOLL TEARSHEETSirrah, what humour’s the prince of?
FALSTAFFA good shallow young fellow: a’ would have made a
good pantler, a’ would ha’ chipp’d bread well. 225
DOLL TEARSHEETThey say Poins has a good wit.
FALSTAFFHe a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit’s as thick
as Tewksbury mustard; there’s no more conceit in him
than is in a mallet.
DOLL TEARSHEETWhy does the prince love him so, then? 230
FALSTAFFBecause their legs are both of a bigness, and a’
plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,
and drinks off candles’ ends for flap-dragons, and
rides the wild-mare with the boys, and jumps upon
joined-stools, and swears with a good grace, and 235
wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of
the leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet
stories; and such other gambol faculties a’ has,
that show a weak mind and an able body, for the
which the prince admits him: for the prince himself 240
is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the
scales between their avoirdupois.
PRINCE HENRYWould not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?
POINSLet’s beat him before his whore.
PRINCE HENRYLook, whether the withered elder hath not his poll 245
clawed like a parrot.
POINSIs it not strange that desire should so many years
outlive performance?
FALSTAFFKiss me, Doll.
PRINCE HENRYSaturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what 250
says the almanac to that?
POINSAnd look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not
lisping to his master’s old tables, his note-book,
his counsel-keeper.
FALSTAFFThou dost give me flattering busses. 255
DOLL TEARSHEETBy my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.
FALSTAFFI am old, I am old.
DOLL TEARSHEETI love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young
boy of them all.
FALSTAFFWhat stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive 260
money o’ Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A
merry song, come: it grows late; we’ll to bed.
Thou’lt forget me when I am gone.
DOLL TEARSHEETBy my troth, thou’lt set me a-weeping, an thou
sayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome 265
till thy return: well, harken at the end.
FALSTAFFSome sack, Francis.
| Anon, anon, sir.
POINS| 270
Coming forward
FALSTAFFHa! a bastard son of the king’s? And art not thou
Poins his brother?
PRINCE HENRYWhy, thou globe of sinful continents! what a life
dost thou lead!
FALSTAFFA better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou art a drawer. 275
PRINCE HENRYVery true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears.
MISTRESS QUICKLYO, the Lord preserve thy good grace! by my troth,
welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that sweet
face of thine! O, Jesu, are you come from Wales?
FALSTAFFThou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light 280
flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.
DOLL TEARSHEETHow, you fat fool! I scorn you.
POINSMy lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and
turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.
PRINCE HENRYYou whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you 285
speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous,
civil gentlewoman!
MISTRESS QUICKLYGod’s blessing of your good heart! and so she is,
by my troth.
FALSTAFFDidst thou hear me? 290
PRINCE HENRYYea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away
by Gad’s-hill: you knew I was at your back, and
spoke it on purpose to try my patience.
FALSTAFFNo, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing.
PRINCE HENRYI shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse; 295
and then I know how to handle you.
FALSTAFFNo abuse, Hal, o’ mine honour, no abuse.
PRINCE HENRYNot to dispraise me, and call me pantier and
bread-chipper and I know not what?
FALSTAFFNo abuse, Hal. 300
POINSNo abuse?
FALSTAFFNo abuse, Ned, i’ the world; honest Ned, none. I
dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked
might not fall in love with him; in which doing, I
have done the part of a careful friend and a true 305
subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it.
No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.
PRINCE HENRYSee now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth
not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to
close with us? is she of the wicked? is thine 310
hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the
wicked? or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his
nose, of the wicked?
POINSAnswer, thou dead elm, answer.
FALSTAFFThe fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable; 315
and his face is Lucifer’s privy-kitchen, where he
doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy,
there is a good angel about him; but the devil
outbids him too.
PRINCE HENRYFor the women? 320
FALSTAFFFor one of them, she is in hell already, and burns
poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and
whether she be damned for that, I know not.
MISTRESS QUICKLYNo, I warrant you.
FALSTAFFNo, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for 325
that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee,
for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house,
contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl.
MISTRESS QUICKLYAll victuallers do so; what’s a joint of mutton or
two in a whole Lent? 330
PRINCE HENRYYou, gentlewoman,-
DOLL TEARSHEETWhat says your grace?
FALSTAFFHis grace says that which his flesh rebels against.
Knocking within
MISTRESS QUICKLYWho knocks so loud at door? Look to the door there, Francis.
Enter PETO
PRINCE HENRYPeto, how now! what news? 335
PETOThe king your father is at Westminster:
And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
Come from the north: and, as I came along,
I met and overtook a dozen captains,
Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns, 340
And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.
PRINCE HENRYBy heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,
So idly to profane the precious time,
When tempest of commotion, like the south
Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt 345
And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.
Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.
FALSTAFFNow comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and
we must hence and leave it unpicked.
Knocking within
More knocking at the door! 350
How now! what’s the matter?
BARDOLPHYou must away to court, sir, presently;
A dozen captains stay at door for you.
hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches,
how men of merit are sought after: the undeserver 355
may sleep, when the man of action is called on.
Farewell good wenches: if I be not sent away post,
I will see you again ere I go.
DOLL TEARSHEETI cannot speak; if my heart be not read to burst,–
well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself. 360
FALSTAFFFarewell, farewell.
MISTRESS QUICKLYWell, fare thee well: I have known thee these
twenty-nine years, come peascod-time; but an
honester and truer-hearted man,–well, fare thee well.
MISTRESS QUICKLYWhat’s the matter? 365
MISTRESS QUICKLYO, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come.
She comes blubbered
Yea, will you come, Doll?